Twilight Spoof

These home video-ers were able to capture the essential absurdity of the so-called "vampires" in this dangerous teen romance:

How Many Vampires Exist?

From the Congressional Committee on Non-Human Involvement in the Global Economy:

Unknown. Prior to the Attacks of October, vampires were believed to be extremely rare in this country. Estimates now range from one or two to several dozen per major metropolitan area. The Attacks proved that a very small number of vampires can cause immense damage to the national economy—with severe disruptions to business, societal, and governmental functioning—while causing relatively few deaths and little property damage. Perhaps the greatest harm from the Attacks and their aftermath has been to the societal intangibles of safety, morale, and freedom.

A Vamp By Any Other Name...

...these creatures generally call themselves “vampires,” although they have expressed no objection to the slightly inaccurate term “immortal.” It is a recent pretension for them to refer to themselves as “post-human.”

More from the Congressional Committee on Non-Human Involvement in the Global Economy.

Why Do Vampires Appear Only At Night?

...from the Congressional Committee on Non-Human Involvement in the Global Economy:

Current knowledge indicates that vampires fall into a coma-like sleep at the rising of the sun, and awaken only after the sun sets. Despite some reports to the contrary, this appears to be universal. How close to sunrise the comatose state begins and how soon after sunset it ends depends on the individual vampire. Direct sunlight destroys any vampire. It is unknown whether vampires seek cover because of their involuntary comatose state during the sunlight hours, and choose entombment or burial for the purpose of seclusion and protection against attack, or if burial is necessary for other reasons, such as rejuvenation. It is not known if coffins lined with earth, contact with earth, or protection by earth are necessary. Vampire sources of information on this matter are unreliable at best.

Note that the following photo is obviously not of a vampire. There are several cues: one that the picture was taken in full daylight, two that the supposed "fangs" appear to be candy corn, and three that it is a photo (it is impossible to capture an image of a vampire, whether in a mirror, on camera, or with any form of media--except audio media, interestingly).

Vampire Personality Characteristics

More from the Congressional Committee on Non-Human Involvement in the Global Economy. This is particularly interesting to those of us who provide mental health services to preternatural populations.

What are vampire personality characteristics?

As far as is known, all vampires were originally human and mortal. Humans vary in terms of personality structure and functioning, and much of that variance remains after the newly dead human rises again as a vampire. There are personality similarities between vampires, however, which can be accounted for by the fact of vampirism itself. These are summarized below.

Paranoia. Due to their status as predator to human prey, and the consequent antipathy between mortal victims and the few immortal hunters, vampires must remain hidden, undiscovered, and defended, their true natures and behavior patterns unrevealed. They are therefore secretive, suspicious, watchful, guarded, and hostile toward humans and other vampires.

Aggressiveness. Vampires view humanity in general as dangerous prey, with all the thrill and savor of the hunt, the chase, and the capture. Toward captured human victims, however, they apparently exhibit the attitude of exploitative indifference that most humans have for their food-animals. Vampires reserve most of their aggressive attention for each other. Rarely, they may express a “higher order” affection for their prey (see below).

Parasitism. As literal parasites, vampires depend on the blood of their victims for their continued existence. They are almost always also psychically parasitic upon selected victims in a manner similar to that of some personality disordered humans. Most experts believe that vampires may be able to achieve a semblance of love or relationship with humans during the parasitic phase before the death of the victim, but only with the imbibing or the exchange of blood. Older vampires may need less blood less often. Blood-taking often occurs without the victim’s conscious knowledge—which partially accounts for the severe underestimation of vampire activity in this country prior to the Attacks of October. In those infrequent instances when a victim has survived a first attack and also been aware of and reported the vampire’s visit, it is evident that the virulent phase of psychic parasitism begins immediately. Vampires may attach themselves for long periods to one “love” object, as do their lesser demonic cousins, the incubi and succubae, until the victim is either Turned or permanently dead.

Ennui, Depression, and Suicidality. An undetermined but probably significant minority of new vampires commit suicide immediately upon recognizing their condition, usually by self-immolation in direct sunlight. Others may refuse to feed, and so fade, but this intent to cause no harm may backfire as the vampire will have less control over the blood lust the longer starvation continues. “Going to earth” or “returning to earth” are the usual vampiric terms for a prolonged voluntary comatose state which can result from injury, defeat by an enemy, or from what would be labeled in humans as depression. Some vampires eventually emerge; some do not. Even vampires who were initially enthusiastic about their new powers may eventually find themselves bored with or tired of the relentlessly aggressive vampire social structure. Vampire duels and challenges, especially against a much more powerful foe, may be a form of suicide for some.

On a Lighter Note..

"A webcomic for the distinguished vampire..."

"Bad Boy" Appeal

Vampires are hazardous, of course, and I agree with laws prohibiting contact between the Undead and minors. This clip of the latest celebrity "bad boy" demonstrates how vampirism can be dangerously appealing to young women:

http://current.com/items/89591135/target_women_vampires.htm

New Government Fact Paper on Vampires

I just reviewed the latest fact paper from the Congressional Committee on Non-Human Involvement in the Global Economy. For some reason the link is not working, so I will probably devote a few posts to the most relevant excerpts:

Where do vampires come from?
All vampires are created from humans. There are no “born” vampires. Vampires insist that humans cannot be Turned against their will—a human must ask to go under the Dark to rise as a vampire. This may be a matter of semantics, however; the vampire mojo—amplified by eye contact, breath, or physical touch—may greatly reduce or eliminate a human victim’s ability to resist. In addition, Turning is often or always requested and accomplished at the point of death, when becoming a vampire is the only alternative.

Vampires may feed upon and kill a human at first approach, or may return over a period of time, generally during the person’s sleep or while they are alone and in an amnesic, hypnotic state. Such return visits eventually end in death, most frequently by blood loss, sometimes by accident or injury under circumstances unrelated to the vampire’s attention. Most often the victim truly dies. Less frequently the newly dead individual rises at sunset (or in three days—reports vary) as a vampire. Folklore suggests that the victim must also drink the blood of the vampire to be Turned, but exceptions to this “rule” have been reported. Despite speculation, it is unknown at this time why some rise and some do not. The specific infectious agent—viral, demonic, or extraterrestrial have all been proposed—is also unknown. Any deceased individual suspected to have been vampire prey, or corpse found with the marks of a vampire on it, is by legal mandate staked, decapitated, and cremated. Many people now specifically request such postmortem care regardless of the cause of death to prevent even the possibility of rising as one of the Undead.

Of course these publicly-released reports are cautious in their statements. But it is always amazing to me how little we actually know about these creatures who walk among us.

Why Aren't We Worrying About This?

To those who are so extremely fearful of werewolves, vampires, demons, and the Fey, I ask along with prestigious political blogger Matt Yglesias why we are so complacent about the much greater threat of out-of-control technology (re: Elliot Spitzer's proposal for robots in schools):

After the human race is enslaved by robots, there are going to be small rebel groups hiding out somewhere and Elliot Spitzer’s going to be writing op-eds about how “no one could have predicted” that the robots would rebel and overthrow their masters. And it’ll be left to DFH bloggers to observe that this is in fact one of the most widely predicted scenarios in all of science fiction. From the proto-SF of Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein through to Karel Capek’s R.U.R. and The War Against the Newts all the way up through Terminator and The Matrix. Yes, yes, yes eventually the Butlerian Jihad will allow us to re-overthrow the Thinking Machines and establish human rule but do we really want to fall into that trap?

Just say no to robots. And certainly say no to robots in our schools.

I can only agree. We cannot be too careful regarding this threat.